My heart do not feel right.

Dear reader,

It has been long, so long till I have forgotten who I am.
Right now, I am finding my own identity in this world.
People has wanted me to grow up and during this process, I have lost something important.
The once so strong headed girl.

To this 23 years old Elis.
I want to tell you today, whatever decision you are about to make, you will most probably regret it, there will always gonna be something you have to scarify for. Dont be sad, cause this is gonna to make you someone you cannot be right now. Dont be afraid of future uncertainty, because you will live to your best, and whatever happen , your decision, you gain all those experience. Be it sad or happy.

There has never been a happy ending in any story.
There are bound to be sadness, grief and joy. All those emotion will made you who you are in future.

And i truly hope that you will be that successful person, everyone wanted you to be, esp eliseus.
He has always been there guiding you, teaching you, bringing you back to the right path.

Yes, our relationship could have been destory with his actions but it cannot be avoided, for I have never had the chance to know the right and wrong. Thank you my love, for being my arrow in life. for 5 years, I could be that joyful Elis, innocent and happy.
Nothing seems to be able to upset me and I have always be able to that princess with my family support me.

I realise that, reality is far harder to accept, and right now, I have problem coping with. Life is not easy, and this is what eliseus has been trying to let me understand, but I couldnt from him. I just couldnt.
I am sorry it took this relationship, our joy, our love to let me learn.

I dont know what the future holds, be it breakup to learn to be an adult or to be tgt to go thru everything.

My love, I cant explain the love I have for you. You have been my first and only bf who lecture and guide me. Thank you. But in the end, I still have to learn the hard way.  Sometimes, I have to be bitten to learn.

My love of my life, I could made a decision which cause you to slip thru my hands, I cant tell for now, but I have a strong gut feeling. For me to be better, the only way is to let it go.

My love of my life, I never will stop loving you, you are all i ever wanted.
Whatever happen, I know we had a true love and I am really glad you were the one.
I am glad you appeared in my life.

There were so many ups and downs, but you brought me thru it tgt. Will we continue to strive to be stronger, or we can only be stronger when we let each other go.

How many times have we spoken to break up, the true problem i never really undersatnd but it is never because of out of love. I am sorry, I really am. I know I do not deserve you.

God, My Father, you showed me the way, you brought him into my life to learn.
You brought him to guide me, to show me the right path. I am sorry I couldnt be fast to pick it up, I am sorry it took so long for me to understand, I am sorry i have to made a mistake to learn. to undersatnd your true meaning. Father, forgive me. Forgive for my sin.
Father, if only I can look into the future and to know if he will be there when i grow up to be the one.
Will he be there? Will he? I really dont know.

To live life to not regret, is impossible. Only with regrets will we learn to treasure.
Give me the courage to do the right, to be able to be that mature me.
Show me what I can be in future, and please ensure, i dont go stray away to the bad.

Cause the bad me is not someone I want to be.
I never wanted to have fun, I never wanted to be a party goer.
And I never wanted to drink or just be a bimbo.

I want to be mature, I want to be deep in thoughts, I want to be someone people confide to and tell secret to. I want to be trustworthy with a few best friend. To be someone people looked up to.
And that is what I want to work to.
Down-to-earth,

What is outer beauty without inner?
What is money without time?
What is happiness with no one to share with?
What is nice if it is only on the surface?
What is fun when you have no truth?

I want the truth, I want honesty, I want to be true!
I want to be selfless, to accept my wrong and apology.

I want to know more, and it starts by keeping quiet. Listening.

To the 23 yrs old me. Please be someone you are proud of. Please dont look back and be someone you dont ever know. Please dont change yourself for the sake of FUN, for sake of friend! You are someone so strong, so nice, so logical, so be that someone you know. Dont change for the worse but better.

Who say you cant have fun when you are mature. ? Just rmb, you are not a fool. You have to start to be smart and change, and it starts this moment.

Dont forget what you said today, you start this moment. Dont cry, dont be sad, you are walking towards, work hard. You can do this! No one will help you, only you can do this for your sake.

Rmb, I will always love you. and you know the people around you does too, esp eliseus and your sisters and mum.

I love you all, thanks for teaching me, telling me, helping me without telling me.
I dont want to take you all for granted anymore. Let me feel your emotion, put myself in your shoe.
Let my heart be fire again. I am numb , so cold blooded, I dont see or feel anymore. Right now, light up my heart and let me start to fire up again!!

Right now elis, right now. Let us start to fight for yourself.